I recently read a book by an executive coach and psychologist, Dr Henry Cloud, titled “Necessary Endings”. What struck me was the dilemma of when to give up and when to keep going. He framed it as the difference between hope and wishing.
Hope is the mindset that, taking all things into account, this could work. We can change a few things, perhaps initiate a new system at work, or set boundaries in a relationship to create the right environment for a new beginning or for success.
Wishing for something is different. It’s a yearning for an ideal, clinging to something we created in our minds, the successful business or relationship, even though we know we’ve tried to do things differently, yet the conditions won’t yield change, or the other players in the scenario don’t share the same vision or motivation for things to be different. When do we decide that our reluctance to end something is because we wish the dream to be true, not because it’s the right thing for us?
It can be difficult to sort the wheat from the chaff; these processes aren’t always conscious, but they can be seen in our relationship patterns.
For those with an anxious attachment, where our relationships might have been inconsistent or unreliable, it can be hard to recognise the link between a behaviour and the appropriate response. This can lead to uncertainty about our lovability, and we may struggle to predict others’ responses, relying predominantly on emotionally charged feedback, such as acting out or emotional outbursts. Alternatively, we may have learned to protect ourselves by becoming avoidant. This may be because our early caregivers were unable to manage our distress or needs, or because we have suffered a significant loss and have learned to deny or hide our feelings to minimise the risk of rejection or pain. Either way, we find ourselves fighting an intense urge to keep someone or something in our lives because we fear being left alone, abandoned, or judged as a failure.
John Bowlby (1907-1990), a British psychologist and psychiatrist, described the grief associated with the dream of what might have been. He spoke of mourning the loss of unrealised potential, hopes, and imagined futures, even when there is evidence of the person’s true nature or the reality of the situation.
This major source of pain is the breaking of an attachment bond that once provided—or promised—safety, comfort, and security. When that bond is lost, you aren’t just letting go of the person or situation; you are letting go of the internal representations and future plans you built around them.
Looking beyond the urge to hold on, the yearning for what could have been, and tapping into our curiosity about why we are doing what we are doing, can give us great insight into whether something is hopeful or wishful. Whether it is the real deal or something we have created to avoid the pain of rejection or failure.
If you are hanging on to a relationship or work situation because 20% of the time you love it, it makes you feel good or fulfilled, but 80% of the time it causes you stress, worry, or in extreme cases, danger or hurt, maybe it’s time to ask whether you are hoping or wishing.
If you are struggling with a relationship or situation that has ended, or feels too painful to let go of, even if you think it’s the right thing to do, then give me a call, and we can work it out together.
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