Rewriting the Blueprint: How Early Attachment Shapes Our Relationships

This Be The Verse
by Philip Larkin

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

The foundations of your attachment style begin even before you are born. The stability, stress, happiness, and safety of your parents, especially your mother or primary carer, can influence your attachment style and how you navigate the world. It’s important to recognise these factors without judgment or shame. Most parents do their best with what they have.

The renowned English paediatrician and psychiatrist Donald Winnicott coined the term “good enough mother” [read: significant caregiver(s)]. He argued that none of us is perfect and that striving for perfection would be harmful to a child’s development!

In a caring, responsive relationship, letting a child fall, make mistakes, and act out also allows them to try again, see the consequences of their actions, and address irritations and differences. Rupture is healthy if it is followed by repair and understanding.

From birth to age two, your brain learns whether the world is safe through the experiences you encounter. The brain’s primary role is to make sense of the world to keep you safe. That’s why formative experiences are so crucial. Secure attachment develops when a child’s needs for warmth, care, and understanding are met. The brain records these experiences and stores them as data points.

It is logical to assume that a child’s focus from birth through toddlerhood is whether the people in their world are aware of and responsive to their basic needs for care and comfort. When I am hungry, does food appear? Am I soothed and changed when I’m wet? Is the attention consistent or unpredictable? How we expect others to treat us, and the beliefs that stem from that, form the blueprint for the nervous system.

Between the ages of two and seven, the child begins to learn how to manage itself within its unique family “eco-system”. They don’t consciously question their experiences; they simply accept them as the truth of their world. This is where we start to adapt our behaviour to fit in and be accepted. In a child’s mind, acceptance equals love; therefore, to be accepted, they may have no choice but to adapt to their environment.

This is why a child who is mistreated or abused will still cling to the person who hurts them. They have no other point of reference. Recognising that the person who cares for you might also be the one who hurts you is too overwhelming for a child to understand, so they cling to what they know. In a less risky home, the adaptations might be different. Perhaps you had to ‘earn’ a parent’s love, receiving appreciation only when perceived as being “useful”, or you might have learned to stay quiet, keep the peace, or try to manage the emotions of the adults around you.

If the environment is difficult and a child doesn’t feel accepted or loved for who they are, they may begin to adapt to survive. These adaptive behaviours can include people-pleasing, perfectionism, emotional avoidance, and shutting down.
These beliefs also affect how we interpret others’ behaviours, often reinforcing patterns we have developed.

From seven to early adolescence, the child begins to explore their identity and core beliefs about themselves and the world. How should you behave in relationships with others? What examples do I have? Is love safe? Do people care or listen to how I feel? Can I express myself authentically, or do I need to change to be accepted? These beliefs turn into patterns of behaviour that carry into adulthood and manifest in the workplace, family life, and even within oneself.

These adaptations were wise and, in some cases, vital for survival in childhood, but in adulthood, they can appear as people-pleasing, a sense of responsibility for others, overworking, difficulty relaxing, or constant rumination about the past or future. What started as a childhood survival tactic often evolves into a lifelong pattern of self-denial, abandonment, rejection, and misunderstanding.

The good news is that, thanks to neuroplasticity and great therapists (!), our attachment styles and future relationships are not fixed. We can adapt and change by exploring and reflecting on where unhelpful patterns originate, and by working to modify them.

We can’t change the past, but we can revise the blueprint, make new choices, and build relationships based on safety.